Why saying no is sometimes the most loving thing you can do
Do you know how to say no? How often do you say yes, only to get a tug in your gut as soon as the word leaves your lips?
I have always been a people pleaser. I never wanted to say no in case it would change how someone would feel about me if I didn’t agree to help.
The fantasy version of me
This created a fantasy person that didn’t actually exist for those around me.
This fantasy person had unlimited resources.
A cup that always runneth over.
Enough to give to everyone, limitlessly.
The truth was a stark difference from the fantasy.
I was depleting myself for the benefit of those around me. It was affecting me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
The circles of people in our lives
Some people wouldn’t have cared. These would be considered the people on the outside of my circle of importance — and even toxic to me.
If they don’t care about my well-being, I shouldn’t care about disappointing them — even though at one time, I did.
The next group are people who would have thought twice about asking if they really knew what was happening… but still asked anyway.
As their provider.
As their coworker.
As their employee.
As their acquaintance.
They felt I owed them something.
These folks are in the next circle in, closer to my heart center.
Then there are the people who wouldn’t ask at all if they knew where I was at or what I was going through. These are friends and family.
Your heart center
At the heart center are the people who say:
What can we do to help you be less stressed?
What can we give to you to help fill your cup so you’re giving from your excess — not from the cup itself?
This is your tribe.
These are your people.
And at the very center of the circle is you — your health, your heart, your cup, your sanity.
Why boundaries feel so hard
Learning to say no — or changing how you interact with people who have come to expect you to act and react in certain ways — will be a challenge for many.
They expect one thing.
They get another.
They throw a tantrum.
Sound familiar?
One of my favorite therapists once told me:
If you change your dance steps, anyone who wants to continue dancing with you will have to change theirs too.
It’s their choice once you’ve made yours.
Don’t waver.
Because once you give in after setting a boundary, they’ll know they can sway you again and again.
I once heard someone say that the people who push back the hardest are the ones with the most to lose — and I can see that to be true.
Even your tribe needs boundaries sometimes
This isn’t to say you don’t need boundaries with your tribe — because sometimes you will.
You’ll just get less pushback from them than you will from those in the outer circles.
So how do we set and maintain boundaries?
Here are three simple steps to get you started.
STEP 1: Learn to say no
Learning to say no may not sound like a big deal — but for some, it’s a mountain to climb.
Especially for those who have never said it before.
Start small.
Say no to the sample sprayer at the department store.
Say no to the telemarketer asking about your car’s extended warranty.
Say no to people you don’t have to talk to again tomorrow.
Practice where the stakes are low.
STEP 2: Learn your limits
Start listening to your mind and your body.
If you feel a physical sensation when you give a yes but really want to say no, that’s a sign you’re crossing a line.
Your limits matter — and your body will tell you when you’re not listening.
It might show up as:
- a stomach ache
- a headache
- a backache
- tightness in your neck and shoulders
- chest tightness
These are what we call somatic symptoms, and I’ll cover this in more detail in a future post.
The basic idea is this:
When we ignore the quieter alerts from our mind, those alerts become physical.
That nagging voice saying this isn’t a good idea may turn into a headache the closer you get to agreeing.
Listen earlier — and save yourself a lot of pain.
STEP 3: Stand your ground
When you set a boundary, you will get pushback.
Examples might sound like:
“No, I’m not available to work 24/7 — that’s not in my job description.”
or
“I can come over twice a week, Mom, but I can’t come over every day. I work and I have a family of my own to care for.”
It is imperative that once you set these ground rules, you stand your ground.
Because once you waver, you’ll be back where you started faster than you can say, what just happened here?
Starting with boundaries that aren’t as emotionally charged — rather than jumping straight into conversations with your mother or your boss — will help you build the chops you need for those scarier conversations.
And those conversations?
They can change your everyday life.
